Crying out loud.

A bleeding heart, for sure.
But, when it comes to moving mountains, Ellen DeGeneres is your man. Check that, she’s the person you want on your side, pleading your case, not necessarily crying in your beer, but crying all the same.
When women cry, people take action.
When they cry on live television, the reaction is immediate, intense and immense.
When Ellen tears up, people glued to their televisions are on the move within the hour, in cyberspace with their computer or calling cross-country on their cell phones. Many are seen racing out their front doors, screaming, “Ellen needs us. Now.”
The mobilization is remarkable, considering how some corners of the country consider her a flake. Worse yet, she’s a woman with an audience, others bemoan.
If you doubt her clout, it’s time you come out of the closet.
Meantime, all dogs gone to heaven are wondering, “Ellen DeGeneres, where were you when I needed you?”
Personally, I really don’t give a rip where this latest flap ends, if Iggy is returned to the two kids of Ellen’s hairdresser, if the damn dog ends up back in Ellen’s lap, returned to Mutts and Moms or if the Brussels Griffon terrier mix is turned loose on the streets, what’s important here is the influence Ellen DeGeneres has on America today.
Within hours of her tearful telling of the story of Iggy, the poor Brussels Griffon terrier, and the pupless teens, who are now without a dog to kick around, two businesswomen have been placed in protective custody, destined to live a life in the Witness Protection Program, working as waitresses in a greasy spoon restaurant in Council Bluffs, Iowa, where leash laws are only in effect after midnight and collar only miscreants, lowlifes and bums who sleep in cardboard boxes with vagabond dogs.
The price you pay for wronging a TV personality who has a thing for dogs.
I’m not talking about her significant other, I’m talking about Iggy and Co.
So, get off my case and jump on Ellen’s bandwagon: she has the ways and means to save the world, starting with every dog that has been lost, misplaced, given to the wrong family, or on death row in veterinary clinics and dog shelters across the country.
All she has to do is sob on cue.
First, however, we have more important matters.
Because, and I’m serious, Ellen DeGeneres just might be the answer to all that ails us.
Think of the good we can do, with Ellen on our side when she’s in front of the TV camera.
Starting with the unwinnable war in Iraq.
“My god, we have to stop this insane war. I can’t take it any more,” cries a sobbing Ellen.
Our troops will be home within six months.
Take any natural disaster in the country.
“People,” she moans between sobs, “we have to help these people. I can’t bear to see another family whose home has been destroyed. Whose life has been literally turned upside down. Who can’t find their family pets, for crying out loud.”
Within hours millions of dollars will pour into the latest city hit by flood, tornado or record snow.
President Bush can talk tough all he wants with the leader of Iran when all he has to do is put DeGeneres in the same room with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, along with a TV camera, and inside weeks every nuclear bomb in the works there will be neutralized.
Ellentears can move presidents of countries to action.
Joe Torre could keep his job as New York Yankee manager if he had Ellen pleading his case.
Keep in mind she has to be in front of the TV camera to be effective. Anywhere else and she’s just another bleeding heart.
But, put her in front of a TV camera, let her tear up for just a moment, and she has the country in the palm of her hand, her right hand, her left hand holds a damp Kleenex.
With Ellen, we can save the world.
For crying out loud . . .